Earlier this month I went to a J. Cole concert with my brother and while the crowd around me was amazed by my brother’s ability to match Jermaine’s pace word for word, I was fixated on Jermaine.

During his performance of HELLO something stuck out to me. As he’s describing his thoughts of “The one that got away” he realizes she has kids & says “…cause if we ever got together. I’d have to be them N!99@$ step-pops forever.” I froze. In all of the times I had heard this song, this time was different. Something about hearing it live, just, just touched my soul.

I thought of how even though things hadn’t worked out between Step Dad #1 didn’t work out, I still consider him my stepfather. He went on to prove to be just that. I took a trip to Ohio to attend my stepsister’s college graduation and due to unforeseen circumstances, my lodging plans fell through. And my Hilton Honors membership wasn’t seeing eye-to-eye with my budget.

The night before my trip I took to Instagram with a photo captioned “When you should be sleep because you’re driving to Ohio in the morning but you still don’t know where you’re going to sleep once you get there #ImGoneSleepinMyCar #WhereImGonShowerDoe #FigureitOutOnceIGetThere”

When I got there, I visited my family on Buddha’s side first, and while there Step Dad #1 called and said “Did you make it yet? Here’s the address to the hotel, you can stay here with me and my mom.” I didn’t even have to ask, he offered. All off an Instagram post. His relationship with my mother ended before I hit double digit birthdays and here I am nearly a quarter century old and he’s still looking out for me.

On that same trip I was once again reminded of Jermaine’s words “I’d have to be them kid’s step pops forever” when I heard a tiny voice refer to my cousin as “Dad”.

Ohio’s pretty far, but I talk to my aunt often enough to know her son doesn’t have any 6 year old kids just running around. He even made it his business to remind me he’s “damn near 30 & on his first kid” unlike some of my other cousins.

But here he was with these two little boys walking around calling him “Dad.” And low & behold he’s not even really interested in being with their mother for the long haul. Which causes me to question *How long should a man be in your life before it is ok for your kids to call him Dad?*

Does a man who never had a solid father figure even comprehend the seriousness of a child bestowing upon him that title?

I’m just blessed to have two stepdad’s that look out for me despite the foolishness I’ve learned through their shortcomings.

Shout Out to my sister’s father aka Step Dad #2 for keeping me on his health insurance.

We ACCEPT the Love We THINK We DESERVE

Do I Deserve It?

21 Days ago I came home to an eviction notice. I was already struggling to get by and knew it was coming. My mother is facing her own hardships. My grandparents. Stepdad #1. My sister’s father. EVERYONE I normally depend on I no longer felt comfortable asking for help. I didn’t want to further disadvantage them because I hadn’t figured it out.

I never asked my biological father. He’s barely been out of jail one season and I didn’t want some heroic attempt to prove he cares about me to get him sent right back.

I’ve always been pretty independent. My mother said she always knew I wouldn’t stay local for college. But 21 days ago I began to drown. Alone. Independently. As more & more bills and shut off notices arrived and no income coming in. I even owed the LIBRARY money. THE LIBRARY!

29 days ago I helped my older sister handle a serious setback in her life. I lie beside her as she asked Step Dad #1 to tell her he loved her & that he would always be there to support her. In that moment I envied her because although I may have the burden & blessing of THREE father figures I never built that type of bond. I never developed a sense of security and trust in the efforts of one other individual that their words alone were enough to fuel me through a tough situation.

Today my last boyfriend offered to pay my past due rent. I’ve been very short and dismissive of him for months. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable asking for …He stopped me and said “You didn’t ask I offered. I still care about you. I still love you. I still have love for you, and I want to help.” We talked outside for a few hours because the bank and the rental office were both closed due to unrest here in Baltimore. Before he left he said “Next time someone offers you help ask yourself ‘Am I the type of woman who deserves help?’ do it”

It never dawned on me that I had somehow convinced myself that I was undeserving of his help. I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to feel as though I owed him anything.

As he drove off he repeated “Just ask yourself if you deserve help. I think you do and that’s why I’m willing to help you.”

None of my father’s ever made me feel like I deserved something I didn’t work for. My biological father bought me things because he thought it made up for time lost. Step Dad #1 did nice things for me because at that time we did nice things as a unit. My sister’s father initially did things for me to impress my mother and later as a reward for good grades, but not once do I recall them instilling in me that even when I couldn’t do for self I was deserving of a hand up.

Maybe I’m overlooking instances of assistance because I felt like that’s what parents are SUPPOSED to do. I do know that those four words got my gears churning. DO I deserve help?

Penned April 28th, 2015